I would like to tell you my story that kept me all choked up for my whole life. It is so defiled and so heavy for me regarding this, that it caused me to be admitted into the hospital because my mind couldn’t handle it. I hope this story will be a good illustration for all people to become afraid of the fruits of kamma. This story is a demonstration of having to take mental suffering very seriously as follows:
When I was a child, I stayed with my
parents until I was 9 years old. My father had raped me for the first time. He
forced me by keeping a knife near me for intimidation. After that he tried to
rape me whenever he got the chance to. He threatened me not to tell anybody
otherwise he would kill me. My life felt as if I was falling into hell on
earth. Sometimes I would talk with my friends and he would hide near me and
would pass a look to me to intimidate me. I was in a constrained state and I
couldn’t tell anybody because I was afraid and confused. When I was 15 years
old I became pregnant and nobody knew except for him and me. This was because
my stomach wasn’t so big. Since that devastation occurred I couldn’t call him
“Father” anymore. I had to leave school.
One day
a young man who was my neighbor came to say he was in love with me and asked me
to marry him. I kept the pregnancy secret for many months. Finally we married
and he took me to live in another city. About one month later I delivered the
baby. It made him feel ashamed and confused that his wife delivered a baby
after only being married to him for one month. Even though he loved me so much,
he couldn’t compromise with me so we had to divorce.
At that
time I was only sixteen years old. I carried my suffering and my new born baby.
His face (my baby’s) was like his father’s (and his grandfather’s also) having
the same mole. I felt so bitter because when I saw his face it made me think of
the person that I hated the most. In that state I felt like had to kill him for
the rest of my life. Finally I ran away from there, although I still loved my
baby. Then the baby’s grandfather (father) had taken him in to take care of
him. At that time my baby was only 1-2 months old. His grandfather tried to
teach him to hate me and tried to teach him all bad things and to speak curse
words.
When I was 20 years old, I met another
husband. He knew about my story but he didn’t mind. However he loved me so much
and we married. He took me to live in another city. I had decided to take my
baby to come and live with me. At that time he (my baby) was 5 years old. He
met me; he spoke to me with curse words and said “You’re not my mother, why take
me here?” or when my husband met him and wanted to carry him, he fought with
him and said “You’re not my dad.” My husband and I cried with bitterness.
Sometimes
my child had asked me, “Who is my father?” but I couldn’t say. I was really
severely depressed then I thought about committing suicide since I started
living with my child. I was so regretful that my own child had learned to hate
his mother so my husband took me to the
In truth
I had many sufferings in my life and it is difficult to say this to anybody.
They come to know it by my writing, but I’m still lucky to have my husband now.
He is my true love and is sincere to me. Now I have another child with him and that
has helped me to get better in life in another way. The exception is with my
first child that happened with my father. It still infuriated me and I always
felt like he made a mistake.
Then one
day I met our community (Wat Phra Dhammakaya) and when I felt mental strain
then I meditated and said, “Samma Araham” immediately. Now I have become cooler
than before and I helped my first child have better behavior. When I took him
to the temple, he liked to sit and meditate and saw the clear crystal ball
inside of himself. He has since been able to speak nicely to me and more
importantly he told me that he wanted to become a novice Bhikkhu (Samanera).
That was the first light for me.
I then intended to pursue perfections with the Abbot and our community forever in my life.
1. What retribution caused me to receive all of the horrible problems since I was 9 years old with my father and my baby? What kammic retribution affected the 3 of us enough for us to harm each other and what were our relationships in the past?
2. What retribution caused me to not be with my baby at first and then when we met again, why did he hate me, say curse words and then afterwards say he loved me and loved my husband too? Did he tell the truth?
5. Why did my first child and my second child not get along well together? How can I take care of them in a way that when they grow up they won’t mind each other? May I tell them?
6. My mother had a fight with my father. He used a weapon to harm her and caused her to fall down. She died on the way to the hospital. Where did she go after she died? When my mother knew I became pregnant from my father, she was so anguished. How did I share this kammic retribution with my mother to meet a husband/father like this?
7. I have a younger twin brother. In our childhood my younger brother accidentally made a lamp fall down and burn me. I was seriously injured and the fire burned our small house. What was the kammic retribution that we had done together to cause this? Why doesn’t he love me although I love him so much?
8. I had a close relationship with my grandmother. Where is she after her death?
9. Did I pursue perfections with our community before? Why did I meet with bad circumstances before joining our community? Can I go to the Special Merits Zone (Vong Boon Pisate) in the 4th of level of Heaven (Tusita Heaven)?
I closed my eyes, dreamed and woke up with these answers.
When you tell anybody the story like a tale, it will make anyone know more about retribution (Law of Kamma)
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The henchman went to buy the young villager girls to be your servants but finally all the girls had to please you with sex.
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After you died from that life, you went to the third major hell for a very long time. Then you had punishments in the unfortunate realms in the following steps; Ussada hell, purgatory, the hungry ghost level, the monster level and then the animal realm until you became prostitute. And finally you became a solicitor of the prostitutes.
- In that past life when you were a prostitute solicitor, your father in this life was a regular customer and when you would find a young girl then he was the first one to have her service because he was regular customer.
- Later in the last past life, you were stuck between the human realm and the unfortunate realm because you had been in this cycle regularly.
- You liked the virgin girls when you were the man of good status and a womanizer and in the life as the solicitor of prostitutes. You caused the virgin girls to be brought to you for the regular customers to have pleasing sex with, so you had to be reborn as a daughter of a regular customer in this life.
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Your son was the henchman in the past life who found the young girls when you were the man of good status and womanizer.
- Your son told you that he loves his mother and father now and he is telling the truth.
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But at that time the kammic retribution was so strong so you were able to come join us for a while and then you strayed away from our group until you met us again in this life. The old merits that you used to accrue with our community caused you to meet a good husband as per your wish and your husband doesn’t mind your past history and he helps you with everything.
- You must try to teach them to love each other. The younger one should be respectful to the older one. You should be reasonable and equally fair to both of them until they feel that their mother loves them both equally and they shouldn’t be prejudiced or jealous of each other.
- After she died, her astral body had to stagger along; it was difficult and she was hungry. Your mother and you each had kammic retribution that both of you must face, but you didn’t have any retribution directly with your mother.ู่
- Your twin younger brother was the henchman in the past life when you were the solicitor of prostitutes. He was a hooligan who managed the brothel and used to quarrel for his wages. You didn’t pay him as per your agreement in that life so he is vengeful towards you now.
- This was because the property had a disaster with
the wrongful occupation retribution from the past life, which was
earning a living from being a solicitor of prostitutes.
- When the family had broken up, the good feeling was lost from the members of the family.