Blessing Eleven:
Cherishing our parents
Cherishing our parents
C. APPRECIATING OUR DEBT OF GRATITUDE
C.1 Why must we have gratitude in our lives?
We didn’t get where we are today entirely by our own efforts. We are the result of considerable investment of food, care, protection, training and teaching by others. All these resources have come to us through the pure intentions of others in society— intentions without which our civilization would soon collapse. It is not that people have helped us because they want something from us in return, but if we, who have been on the receiving end of such altruism, are able to appreciate, return or praise the favours they have done us, it will help to create an atmosphere of “give and take” in society instead of deterioration into “every man to himself”. The appreciation of good deeds is very important to Buddhist culture and cherishing our parents is our first and most fundamental opportunity to express gratitude.
C.2 Theories of non-gratitude to parents
Where sons and daughters neglect their parents, often it is not intentional, but because of having received influence from some of the theories rife in our society, none of which are entirely true:
1. Selfish Genes: Some people think that the only reason that parents are kind to their children is that they want to see their character and genes passed down to the next generation. This theory has even led to a genetic theory called ‘The Selfish Gene’ (Dawkins) by which it is proposed that man is nothing more than a mechanism by which genes replicate themselves! In such a case, parents don't show kindness to their children out of compassion but out of the selfish desire to propagate their own genes. If such a theory were really true, if you were walking down the street with four brothers who were all identical twins with at least half of the same genes as you have then you would rather that yourself were eaten by a monster in order to protect the greater part of your genes depending on the safety of your three brothers. Such theories have their limitations because they cannot explain why such traits as homosexuality which hamper the replication of genes might grow and spread in the population. The practical outcome of this theory is that instead of thinking to repay their parents for all the good things they have received, they think that they are bringing their parents fulfilment by bringing up grandchildren for their parents! This is logic equivalent to borrowing money from a bank to open a new business and paying back the loan to your customers! Instead of thinking how best to look after their poor parents, most children spend their time thinking how best to get themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend to look after for the rest of their lives instead.
2. Hereditary Sin: Some philosophies of life such as those advocated by the Unification Church (Moonism) go further to suggest that all the bad things in our life are passed down to us by our parents and therefore only be abandoning your parents and marrying into their religion can you escape from sin. Such thinking has led to many broken families and accusations of kidnapping and brainwashing.
3. Patricide Cults: Some philosophies of life such as those found in some African tribes are even more destructive for the family. Only a boy who is brave enough to kill his own father is eligible to become the chief of the tribe because it is taken that only such a person is cruel and brave enough to lead a tribe.
Although our thoughts about our parents might not be so serious as some of the theories described above sometimes we find it hard to really comprehend how much our parents have done for us. Superficially we think that the good our parents have done for us is easy to describe but in fact we don't usually don’t look very deep. Many people are confused as to how the debt of gratitude to our parents could possibly be as large. Just thinking of how they have brought us up and how they have fed and schooled us surely could not add up to such a large debt. However we should try our best to look for that goodness, because if you can’t see the good in other people who have done so much for you, don’t expect to be able to see any of the good or positive things that arise in yourself as a result of your meditation.
C.3 How a Child is indebted to his parents
Of all the people in the world there is no-one closer to us than our own mother and father. Why should we choose our parents as subject to our own good deeds before thinking of others? Our parents are those to whom we have one of the largest debts of gratitude. We can choose whether or not we have a spouse or children, but all of us have parents of whom we must take care. All through our childhood we have been in debt to them and even when adult that debt is no less than it was when we were young. But how many children go to school thinking to study their hardest, do their best to pick up skills so that they can get a job to pay their parents back for their kindness as soon as they complete their education? As soon as they get their first job how many think of using their first wage to buy a present as a token of gratitude for their parents and how many buy lipstick instead?
C.3.1 Before conception
If we look at the root meaning of the word ‘parent’ it means ‘one who brings forth their offspring’. Thus our parents are responsible for having given us the gift of life. Some parents are a mother or a father to their children. Even if they wait until their child is born and then abandon it — i.e. they give rise to children but don’t bring them up — they have still given the child the most valuable thing it has — its own life. Parents serve as physical mold. A mold increases a material’s value (see Blessing Nine @E.2). In a similar sense, the birth of all animals in the world depends on the parents as their physical mold.
We are overwhelmingly indebted to our parents for their genes that give us our healthy physical shape. If our parents were those who didn't take good care of their own health then we might have been born handicapped physically. But as many of us are in good health, today, with strong physical bodies, if we were to have no gratitude to our parents for the things they have given us, it would show that we are blind to the good things that people do for us. Even if our parents had abandoned us at birth and did nothing else to bring us up, we should already be overwhelmed with the gift of life that they have given us.
Thus don’t go thinking that to be born human is an automatic entitlement. Even in your own house, the number of people living in the house is still small compared to the number of worms, mosquitoes, ants, geckos, birds etc. There are maybe a hundred or a thousand more non-human living beings even in our own house than there are humans for whom the house was actually built. This tells us that to be born human is a difficult thing but to be born as an animal is easy. And if you were to be born as an animal — what use do you think you would be to the world?
C.3.2 From conception to birth
For the period we spent in the womb, we must mostly thank our mother but also our father who may have taken extra care of mother during pregnancy. Throughout the forty weeks of pregnancy, the mother needed to take regular medical checkups. Even though she may not have liked to eat certain sorts of nutritious diet suitable for her baby’s health, she had to eat those things, nonetheless. Even though she might have wanted to eat certain sorts of food but knowing that these things may have been damaging to her baby, she had to go without them (e.g. avoiding the temptation of spicy (etc.) foods, drink and cigarettes) during the pregnancy, wearing loose clothes and having to leave strenuous work to others.
Not only physically must the mother protect the child in her womb, but even the serenity of state of mind of the child in the womb must be protected by avoiding quarrels, conflict and anxiety.
C.3.3 From Birth to adulthood
A second word used for parents is ‘father’ or ‘mother’ which means ‘the one who brings up their offspring’. Thus there are three types of parents — the ones we have already mentioned who bring forth children but don't bring them up, those who are step-parents who bring up the children of others and lastly, those who both give rise to children and bring them up too. Most of us find it is easier to comprehend their debt of gratitude to their parents for the care they have received from the time they are born to the time they are old enough to take care of themselves. What do you think is the time of your life when you are the most vulnerable and you can do nothing to help yourself? It is not when you have no money as a student. It is not during a war or when you are ill. None of these can compare to the risk which you underwent on the day you were born. Normally in the face of danger we would use the powers we have (physical strength, connections, wealth or wisdom) to overcome the danger — you are able to help yourself. However, on the day you were born, if your parents didn't decide to take you as their child to bring them up do you think you could survive? Could you put up a struggle when you don't even have the strength to open your eyes? Would you have had connections enough to get you out of trouble when even your own parents hadn’t wanted you? Would you have had any wealth to buy yourself out of the situation at a time when you didn’t even have a scrap of cloth to wear? Would you have had the wisdom to work out solutions to your problems? The reality of the situation is that we could only survive because our parents were kind enough to accept us.
Normally if someone is to adopt a child they would have to take a long, long time to make that decision. If you were going to lend some money to someone, you have to have your conditions and your contracts — but for us there was only unconditional acceptance. Thus even that moment of acceptance at the most vulnerable time of our life is more than we can easily reimburse.
Even when the child is in the womb, even though they don’t know how the child would turn out, they would lay down their life to protect the child in their womb.
C.3.4 Physical Care
If you compare man with the animals, there is no comparable animal which takes so long or expends so much effort in the care of its young. Usually the larger the animal, the longer it must stay in the womb (gestation period) and the longer it must rely on the care of its parents after its birth. Even an elephant with its huge size and a gestation period of three years will only look after a baby elephant for two years. Man although much smaller in size than any elephant often looks after his children for twenty years. They have done the job of protecting us like a guardian angel ever since we were born. Even after that we expect our parents to organize our marriages and pass their legacy on to us.
Parents provide food, shelter, clothing, education and medical care for their children, supporting us in every way. Parents often have to put themselves at risk or in debt in order to look after their children. If you find a woman catching fish or shoplifting, 99 times out of 100 she is doing it only to feed her child — if it was for herself she would never take such a risk.
C.3.5 Spiritual Care
Keeping us healthy and educated was not the only responsibility which our parents had to shoulder. Even our own basis of moral understanding had to come from our parents. If our parents had relied always on the saying “do what I say not what I do”, by now we would surely have grown up into hypocrites. Our parents were an example for us to follow as well as scolding and punishing us for doing unacceptable things, keeping an eye on our friends and choosing only the best books for us to read. Who taught us to speak and walk? Who taught us all the basic virtues of life and had the patience to remind us when we were lazy or forgetful? Parents are a child’s first teacher because they are the first to teach a child his manners and how to behave.
Even when we are grown up and supposedly responsible and independent, the generosity and care of our parents doesn’t come to an end but we find that they are always there to help when we have important questions like that of marriage and the last thing our parents do for us before they die is to pass on their accumulated wealth for us.
These are just a very brief summary of some of the ways in which we have been helped by our parents. Even the most tough and insensitive man or woman, when they become parents manages to find in the deepest part of their hearts the most tender and unlimited love for their own children and because of the purity of parental intention which fathers and mothers manage to find, the people of old used to say you don’t need to go any further than your own house in order to find an object of worship.
C.4 Practical recollections to appreciate your debt of gratitude
According to the Siṅgalovāda Sutta (D.iii.180), the practicality of realizing one’s debt of gratitude to one’s parents can be effected by habitually reflecting:
1. “I have been supported by my parents — I will support them in turn” (such a recollection helps the cultivation of Right View)
2. “I will do their work for them” (such a recollection helps the cultivation of patience, responsibility, knowledge and ability)
3. “I will keep up the honour and traditions of the family”
4. “I will make myself worthy of the family legacy” (such a recollection helps one to extricate oneself from the Six Roads to Ruin)
5. “I will make offerings, dedicating merit to them after their death” (such a recollection helps the cultivation of Right View and responsibility)
Such recollections will not come naturally to any child who has not been raised with self-discipline, responsibility and Right View. Thus the gratitude a child has is part of a reciprocal relationship a parent has with their children — a subject explored in more depth in Blessing Twelve (@B.3).
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