Blessing Twelve:
Raising our children
Raising our children
A. Introduction
A.1 The Harm of Bad Parental Upbringing
The Siṅgalovāda Sutta teaches us to develop respect for human dignity towards ourselves, towards others and towards a fair economic system in general. Sometimes we have to work on ourselves throughout our lives to develop these qualities, but for sure, the seeds of these qualities for every “global being” need to be planted by the parents during childhood as part of that child’s upbringing. If the child is neglected when growing up, they will grow up to lack any sense of responsibility for:
1. their own human dignity
2. the human dignity of others
3. the human dignity underlying the economics of society at large
The catastrophe brought to society by such parental neglect can be enlarged as follows:
1. lacking responsibility for their own human dignity means: if the parents lack self-discipline and don’t fulfill the minimal duties laid down by the Buddha, the first signs of harm will be that their children lack any sense of responsibility for their own human dignity — this being expressed in four different ways by the child’s behaviour:
1) False View: the child will not know the difference between virtue and evil, good and bad, appropriate and inappropriate and therefore will have no shame of evil [hiri] or fear of the consequences of evil;
2) Lack of aim in life: the child will have no spiritual aim in life, and therefore will tend to material extravagance and selfishness. Such a person will take every opportunity to do evil deeds that their circumstances and needs demand;
3) Lack of health and hygiene: the child will be incompetent in looking after their own health, perhaps being promiscuous, thereby destroying their own health and human endowments;
4) Lack of interest in self-development: Because of having no clear aim in life or perhaps because of bad health, the child will be discouraged from any efforts to study either worldly or spiritual knowledge. As a result they become even more entrenched in False View and may bring catastrophe to society — perhaps going even so far as to betray their own country.
2. lacking responsibility for the human dignity of others: if the parents lack self-discipline and don’t fulfill their own duties, the second sign of harm will be that their children lack any sense of responsibility for the human dignity of others sharing society— this being expressed in three different ways by the child’s behaviour:
1) Bias: Having perhaps been on the receiving end of parental bias, when older and finding themselves in positions of responsibility, the child’s tendency to bias in decision-making, because of greed, hatred, delusion or fear, may do important damage to others in society;
2) Narrow-minded and selfish: If the child grows up into someone narrow-minded and selfish, they might be alienated in society for the rest of their life because no-one wants to associate with them.
3) Lacks any signs of altruism: Having perhaps not had any parental training in altruism, when coming in contact with a wider society, when the child’s patience is tried, they might lose control of themselves, expressing themselves in a rude or violent way.
3. lacking responsibility for self-discipline (economic fairness): if the parents lack self-discipline and don’t fulfill their own duties, the second sign of harm will be that their children lack any sense of responsibility for self-discipline (economic fairness) — this being expressed in three different ways by the child’s behaviour:
1) Frivolous with money: not seeing the value of money, and lacking restraint in expenditure, when a child is no longer able to ask money from their parents, they look for new sources of income, the easiest of which are usually those concerned with the Six Roads to Ruin.
2) Addicted to the Six Roads to Ruin
3) Unable to uphold the family name: Even while still young, the badly-raised child can destroy the family name and when older, they will be unable to act as a steward for the family fortune.
In conclusion it can be said that two major problems stem from bad upbringing of children:
1. Problems of Juvenile Delinquency: Problems concerning young people in every country are becoming increasingly serious and aggressive with every year that passes. In the olden days, the problems of young people would affect only those of age fifteen upwards, but now the problems are evident from primary school upwards.
2. Parental Problems: Neglect of parental duties would appear to hold a large stake in the problems of young people — when parents lack the self-discipline to fulfill their own duties, it is no surprise that their children have no self-discipline either and lack any sense of responsibility for human dignity. Juvenile delinquency starts in the home and goes on to exacerbate all other sorts of social problems. Most people fail to see the connection between the problems, but the Lord Buddha recognized the importance of the parental duty in bringing up their children properly — and in the Siṅgalovāda Sutta, accordingly put the parents in the most prestigious Eastern Quarter (where the sun rises) as a reminder of the importance of this relationship. The implication of the Buddha’s teaching is that anyone unwilling or unable to fulfill the duties of a good parent according to the Buddha’s teaching, should consider themselves too immature to marry or have a family — because if they go ahead and have a family while still unable to be a good parent, they are sowing the seeds of immediate social catastrophe.
Realizing the seriousness of the duties upon the shoulders of any parent, it is obvious that we must take care in studying exactly how the Buddha taught parents to raise their children and the means by which these can be achieved. In doing so, we can guard against becoming the sort of parents who look back on what they have achieved during their life and feel nothing but regret — because there is nothing more heartbreaking than having brought up a child who makes a mess out of their own life, life of others or of society at large.
A.2 The True Meaning of the Word ‘Child’
The Pali word for ‘child’ is ‘putto’. This word is still found in some European languages and usually means a sort of ‘cherub’. However, if you look at the root of the word, it doesn’t just mean ‘child’ but also ’unstained’, ‘pure’ or ‘fulfilling’. Thus the real meaning of a child is to be the one who purifies the family name. The word also means the one who brings joy to the heart of his parents.
The child we bring up may be of our own flesh or blood, or the child may be adopted — the Buddha categorized children according to their origins:
1. ones born of our own flesh [atraja]
2. ones born on our property [khettaja]
3. adopted children given to us by others [dinnaka]
4. our students [antevāsika]
Kaṭṭhahāri Jātaka (J.i.135)
— but it makes no difference to the thoroughness with which we must practice our parental duties towards them. It is implied that no matter how the child in our care comes to us, we must still practice and fulfill our parental duties towards them.
Some people who still have a lot of defilements want to have a lot of children. Luang Phaw Wat Paknam said that if you want to have a lot of children who are full of virtue you should ordain as a monk because you will have many students as your children. If you have children of your own flesh and blood who turn out troublesome they you have to put up with looking after them the whole of your life. However, if they are your students and they are troublesome at least you can make your selection. You can say goodbye to the troublemakers and choose the good ones. Look at the Buddha’s example — even after 2,500 years after his Parinibbāna there are still children of the Buddha being born today.
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