Blessing Seventeen:
Looking After One’s Extended Family
Looking After One’s Extended Family
C. LOOKING AFTER YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY
C.1 Appropriate times to help
We have already mentioned that there are certain times when people lose their independence and have special need of the support of the extended family around them. The following circumstances are times when it is particularly important for us to pay attention to looking after our extended family:
1. When our extended family fall on hard times and are without refuge. Supposing a child in our extended family is orphaned then perhaps we will take on such a child to look after for herself.
2. When our extended family needs investment to set themselves up in life. Sometimes a family cannot go as far in its education as it would like to because its own family is unable to pay its way into higher education, even though the child has the potential to go further.
3. When our extended family needs to travel but has no transport
4. When our extended family lacks necessary equipment for pursuing their livelihood.
5. When some of our extended family is ill
6. When there is some special occasion e.g. usually we don’t pay much attention to our extended family, but on the occasion of the wedding of someone in our extended family, and they need to set themselves up in life, maybe we will help to be the sponsor. Maybe you will help with the expenses involved with a funeral in the family or an ordination in the family.
7. When someone in our family is unjustly accused of something they didn’t do.
8. When someone in the family is affected by natural disasters.
C.2 Emotional Bank Account as the basis of help for one’s family
There are four main ways in which you can assist your extended family. We call these the Four Bases of Sympathy [saṅgahavatthu]:
1. Helping with resources [dāna]: This means giving or lending whatever we can spare which are useful to our extended family. All of these things sound easy but when we come to practising, they are not so simple. All it takes is one of our extended family to come borrowing 5,000 or 10,000 when our salary is hardly enough to cover the month’s overheads. If they come borrowing 100,000 you would hardly take their request seriously any more. If we are still in difficulties about being generous to others at this point this is telling us that our cultivation of blessings at the level of Blessings Fourteen and Fifteen is not yet sufficient. If we are not really very earnest or efficient in the work that we do, and we never keep any savings then we still have our weaknesses. Thus if we are thorough in our thinking instead of thinking that it is enough just to cover our own basic needs, we have to think also of the eventuality of our extended family needing to rely on us as well. If you are skilful in the application of these principles you will find that the members of your extended family are always on the increase and you will never be short of help in times of need. Even if beggars come to our door, we should find something to help them with, according to our means. In the old days, men would always keep a little money in reserve for times of need. If anyone came to them in need, at least they would not lose their friendship. (see budgeting scheme of Blessing Fifteen @E.2) If you can’t afford to lend them money, at least give them advice. Even if you can’t give them advice, maybe you can give them the bus fare to reach the houses of other friends who may be able to help more.
2. Endearing speech [piyavācā]: This means speaking in a way that is not at all upsetting to our extended family and not looking down on them either. Normally we are able to be polite to others the whole of the time. However if we are irritable or in bad mood, even though we may try to say things politely, they never seem to come out as we intended — especially when we have to give reasons for things instead of telling people “just do what I say”. The other time when it is difficult for us to speak politely is the time when others come asking for help from us but we have to refuse. Refusing in a way that is gentle is no easy thing. If you have never made the effort to speak politely before then it is at this point that you will say something that you may regret for years to come. Maybe you didn’t realize that the 300 or 500 that they have been giving us willingly all these years has been the last cents out of their purse every time. For them they didn’t think that the money they gave was insignificant, but they thought of the fact that they were prepared to empty out their purse even to the last cent every time we came asking. If we speak insensitively every time when they have cause to come asking us for help, then that may be the end of any relationship we ever had to them. Just a few ill considered words may mean that we cannot look each other in the eye any more for the rest of our lives. It is very frightening what words can do. It is strange that when we are children we tend not to hide our feelings because we aren’t concerned about what other people think of us. Our moods fluctuate between tantrums and laughs throughout the whole of the day. However, when we grow older, the same is no longer true. A few ill chosen words from another adult and even if they were to come back asking your forgiveness with a gift of a million, you would still be reluctant to speak to them. Therefore start training yourself in endearing speech from this day on, so that when it comes to situations where you are taxed for words you won’t risk being ostracised from your own family
3. Lending a helping hand [atthacariya]: This means helping our extended family out when they have work to be done. Even if you don’t have money to lend, you are still strengthening the bonds of friendship within your extended family by giving them a helping hand.
4. Being consistent to one’s duty [samanatthattha]: This means giving others familiarity and confidence — and not doing things that create suspicion. You need to conduct yourself in a way befitting your status in the eyes of your extended family. Sometimes members of our extended family may have received only a low level of education. Sometimes they may not know the appropriate way to behave in a particular situation. Maybe all they know is that ‘Whitey’ is their grandson — but what they don’t realise is that Mr. White is also the Managing Director of a firm. Thus when they visit Mr. White at his work and shout, “Come here Whitey!” at first Mr. White may have to listen patiently to the stream of things they have for him to help them with, but only later, when the situation is more relaxed on both sides will he be able to point out the reasons for things, step by step. If you are not able to help with everything they ask then you must find a way of helping them but in a more feasible way.
C.3 Spiritual ways to help ‘extended family’
Apart from helping people with material things, we can also help people with Dhamma (teachings). To give Dhamma to people is often even more important than the physical things we give to people. It can be especially important when we come to help members of our extended family who are already materially self-sufficient but who are still a long way from spiritual pursuits such as generosity or keeping the precepts. You might invite your aunt to go to the temple but she complains of having too many aches and pains to go to the temple today. Therefore you give her a helping hand by driving a car to pick her up from her doorstep to take her to the temple and return her to her temple in the evening. So she complains that she doesn’t have anything to give at the temple, so you say that you have already prepared all the food to offer at the temple and that all she needs to do is to offer it. Thus she agrees to go to the temple and later as she gets more familiar with the customs of the temple, later she will want to go without anyone prodding her — and before long she will want to be generous, keep the precepts and meditate without others having to give her encouragement all of the time. You might have a relative who has already got a good job but because he is still childish and irresponsible he is unable to set himself up properly in life. If you can persuade such a person to take leave from work to ordain as a monk during the vacation, and you make all the arrangements for him and make him aware of all the advantages. Then that would be called looking after your extended family spiritually.
C.4 Choosing the sort of family to help
It is not every sort of family who will benefit from help you might try to give them. If you would like to maximize the amount of merit and satisfaction you gain from caring for your extended family, give priority to families who:
• Make an earnest effort to help themselves first — not the sort who come running to you every time there is a minor problem and never think to try to solve their own problems
• Those who are of good conduct, who are grateful, humble and courteous — and who aren’t mixed up with the ‘Roads to Ruin’
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